Way of the Cross: Random Thoughts (Prayers and Otherwise)

Starting summer right away
with this long walk with the boys,
Way of the Cross Good Friday 2012

It's another year again...how many years have gone by and how many Holy Weeks like this have I seen? Too many to count. I am 45; and I am not exaggerating when I say I've seen it all. (True, somewhere in the past there was at least one Good Friday that I was dead drunk and staring at a semblance of Hell.)

So here we are again. Another Good Friday and it's not so different - a diet of fish and food stuff for my boys - something to munch while watching some good movies at home. For the past two years, though, we have changed our routine a little bit. Our lives have changed, you can tell. This year, I thought I'd want to participate in the Way of the Cross. And by popular demand (meaning two out of two) the boys are coming along with a promise not to turn this activity into a picnic or a parade.

What does one think during a one hour and a half walk? I honestly didn't know. In front of my PC I think of a thousand little things and still get bored.

Thursday 11:30 am  Really, Lord, just a few more minutes on this task and then I'll hit the sack. (Yes, Maundy Thursday was business as usual for me. Don't laugh. I know I am a home-based worker...this shouldn't have happened.) The boys have gone to bed early in anticipation of the walk. It has been a very tiring week for me so far - but I want this walk for whatever good it can do for my soul and, frankly, for my body.

Good Friday 3:45 am  Oh, I'm up before the alarm clock...which means I gotta go (feeling a teeny weeny bit of regret. Yeah, sure, for a minute I toyed with the idea of begging off). Should I wake the boys up? I don't have to drag them into this. If only I can slip away quietly....

Good Friday 4:05 am Okay, I can be a good mother, invoke my authority and order them to go back to bed.  This isn't for kids. I really want time alone to pray and I don't want to be answering 1001 questions along the way. Besides, what kind of parent am I to take my children walking early morning?

Good Friday 4:30 am  Kids rule! Hey, I'm not that stupid after all. Look, there's a daddy with his two year old little girl. Lord, forgive us. Do we know what we're doing? In fairness, though, my boys are 9 and 10 years old and they couldn't sit on a chair for one hour even if you chain them to it.

Good Friday 4:31 am  Lord, you know my heart. It's not that loving, kind, generous etc.  I've heard from others 101 ways to say "I love you" and this may not be your favorite. But, I'm here to respond to an invitation which I trust is Yours truly. (I could be wrong though; this could be just me trying to think I can make up for my transgressions.)

Good Friday 4:40 am  Hello, is this supposed to be a marathon talk and walk with friends?  How can I pray when there are two ladies behind me giggling like they are about to do something wild or crazy? (Looking around) How many of us here are doing this for real anyway? These boys better behave or else....

Good Friday 5:10 am  Children are as innocent as they come. Perhaps they thought this is gonna be fun! (Warning them now "no talking nor doing funny stuff, pls) But kids always love adventures and the things that adults do seem like fun...make them feel like grown-ups.

God, if this is my way of saying sorry to you for my stupid mistakes why am I taking my kids with me and letting them pay for it too?

Parents, whether they like/admit it or not, pass on their good/bad stuff to their children. It may not be obvious at first but in the long run it will come out into the open. Alcoholics have at least one child who drinks liquor like water.  Parents who marry in their teens will have one adolescent child who gets pregnant or becomes a teenage dad.  Spot on, Lord, that passage in the Bible that says two to three generations will be cursed by their parents' sin.....unless....unless somebody takes a 360 turn.

My God, don't let this happen to my children. If there's anything I will pass on to them, Lord, let it be a life more holy and pleasing to you.

Good Friday 5:30 am  Wow, this pair of jeans is great for constant walking and occasional kneeling! But is it wise to bring a flashlight, cellphone, some keys and cold, cold water? My legs are heavier to drag because of these useless things in my pocket. I didn't have to bring cold water...lukewarm would be just right. Now the ice is melting and dripping on my sandals. How silly! Now, our hands are full and we are quite confused who's gonna hold what. Younger son says "you shouldn't have brought it. This tiny flashlight is dragging my pants down. Look Ma, sunrise".

Travel light! How many times did you say that, Lord? Your version was more profound, of course.  There's wisdom in going after the basic necessities of our lives...to provide for our families. And then we want more and more of the other things. Do we even need these stuff?  In the big picture of life the fancy things become excess baggage to carry. If only we have faith enough to trust you....

Good Friday 5:50 am How many stations of the cross have we passed by? Four or five?. I should have brought a prayer book just in case we are walking too far behind that we could not catch up with the community prayers. It should have been the first thing I made sure to bring.

Always be prepared - to pray on your own and to pray with others. When feeling lost, listen. Give me back my sense of direction, Lord, and let me trust in others to guide the way.  Surely, when working out my salvation with fear and trembling I need others to hold on to. First, my family and then my friends and community.

Good Friday 6:20 am  How far have we walked, Lord? The road was not straight and narrow but wide and crazy.  The distance has taken its toll on me but I am driven to keep walking as I see almost the same people I have seen when we started.

Young, old, serious, not-so-serious, looking disoriented, and feeling bored -a penny for your thoughts?

The voices of people who read the Gospel in every station have slowly changed into tired voices with a touch of sadness. Aren't we panting already?

Good Friday 6:40 am  My cross is now 3D, almost real. Cold sweat is dripping down my neck and no sweat at all on my boys' shirt! Still the same people, Lord, are walking with me all the way. What were we thinking when we started this?

I know no other way to commemorate this day.
I should go because it's just a one-time big-time sacrifice.
I'd lose 1-2 pounds walking this kind of walk.
How sorry I am for my sins, take this as a gesture of my repentance.
This long walk, Lord, is for my __________ may he/she _________________.

Whatever reasons we started with, at this point, they are blown away and we only feel life's pains, our suffering and loss of sense of direction. We need only You to teach us the way to carry our crosses - the cross of this moment and all the other crosses that we carry. Feeling the weakness in my knees and needing more air to breathe, I am ruthlessly reminded this is a minute fraction of the burden you have to put up with. If I were God, I would sooner zap all of mankind into nothingness than to go through the horrific walk you had to endure - all for love. And you did it even for people like me who go the distance to say sorry and recklessly break promises again and again.

Do I even deserve of your passion, Lord?. I am hopelessly imperfect and would instantly/constantly fall short of your greatness. But you - my God (the Father surrendering his Son, the Son who conquered the cross and death, and the Holy Spirit who opens our heart to the truth) came down from your glorious throne to show how much you love us - who are imperfect.

Lord, by your way to the cross you have shown us the true meaning of our existence.  Despite its ugliness, imperfections and neediness, you have graced it with your real presence and truth. Our loving God!

Good Friday 7:00 am  On the way home, while feeling a sense of peace and awe at how good this Good Friday turned out to be, my sons kept my feet on the ground by saying "...it was not tiring at all, it only made me a little sleepy."  Good God, don't let my pride take away the glory that is yours alone.

We adore Thee, O Christ, and we praise Thee, 

because by Thy holy cross, Thou hast redeemed the world!